May the 4th Be with You

Worst to First, Ranking the 12 Star Wars Movies

No, The Empire Strikes Back does not top the list. In fact, it does not even crack the top two.

What is my credibility you ask? Let’s go back to June, 1977. I was ten years old. Waited in line for hours at the Mann’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood to watch Star Wars. I geeked out so hard, that night I was in the ER breaking out with hives. So, unless Star Wars knocked you out with a heavy dose of oral antihistamines, hold my Blue Bantha milk.

12. Last Jedi

Ever meet the prick in film school who thinks he’s smarter than Scorsese and Kurosawa? His name is Rian Johnson, the writer/director of The Last Jedi. His job was easy: deliver an epic adventure. Heroes overcome the odds and win in dramatic fashion. Instead, he self-indulges and tries to subvert the genre. Characters only purpose is to serve a lame plot, and fly through the vacuum of space like Mary Poppins. By the way, did you know that arms dealers are in it for the money?

11. Rise of Skywalker

“Somehow Palpatine survived” is code for Disney is desperate to salvage a sequel trilogy so bad it made the prequels look good. Three movies into the Jar Jar Abrams mystery box story arc and I still don’t care who Rae’s parents are. No one notices two fleets of space ships amassing? Oh, and get rid of the black guy. The Chinese market doesn’t want movies with black actors.

10. Solo

The movie no one wanted to see or direct. A disjointed script and ham-handed attempt at an origin story. Everything is on the nose, dialogue and story beats. Has any one watched this movie a second time? Even its Lego sets bombed.

9. The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Studio execs were desperate to exploit the popularity of Star Wars. Solution: Maude’s Bea Arthur and the first appearance of Boba Fett. Lets go to Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day with the Wookies!

8. The Force Awakens

Great to see the old farts together again. And the new kids are likable. Silly politics. The intergalactic legislature needs a Resistance? Aren’t they...the government? First Order? Is it necessary to host an office picnic to demonstrate the destruction of five planets? Plagiarizing Star Wars IV, beat for beat, could not save this turkey.

7. Phantom Menace

If only George Lucas let someone edit his scripts. Bad dialogue. Weak political turmoil. On the other hand, other than young Anakin’s bowl haircut, the movie does looks great. The CGI holds up. And the Darth Maul light saber fight is the best in the series.

6. Attack of the Clones

It’s better if you mute the dialogue. Anakin kills the Sand People to avenge the death of his mother. Padme tries to console him with a light snack. Then Anakin delivers an awful monologue. Now, imagine a quiet scene. Let Anakin suffer in silence. He says one line: “I killed them all.” Show Padme’s horror and sympathy. Let the actors act! On the plus, Geonosis is cool, and so are the Clone Troopers. Another great light saber duel, this time it’s Count Dooku and Yoda.

5. Revenge of the Sith

It has taken many years and dozens of re-watches to appreciate Palpatine’s manipulation. I got it. Really. George Lucas is not subtle. I just finally appreciate it. The betrayal and the murder of the Jedi by Clone Troopers is tragic. Like the other prequels, it looks great. Show, don’t tell could have helped. Show us Padme is in danger. Instead, Anakin and Palpatine talk about it. The movie’s high point: Anakin asks Palpatine if he can learn how to use the force to stave off death. Palpatine’s reply: “Not from a Jedi.” Brilliant. More dialogue like this would have elevated this film.

4. Return of the Jedi

A satisfying ending to the original trilogy. Mass murderer Darth Vader is redeemed by saving his son’s life. Endor Ewoks replace a planet full of Wookies because its cheaper. The repulsive Jabba the Hutt gets his just deserves. We see the power of the dark side of the Force. And a blaster fight between speeder bikes racing through the forest is very cool.

3. The Empire Strikes Back

I know. I know. Empire tops most lists. We meet Yoda. Massive AT-ATs thunder across the frozen tundra of Hoth and attack the rebel base. Empire delivers greater character depth and moments of sharp humor. Yes, Princess Leia really does love Han. Luke learns the shocking truth: Darth Vader is his father. There is betrayal. Lies are revealed. Stakes matter and threre is genuine dilemma. To save his friends Luke must risk succumbing to the Dark Side of the Force.

2. Rogue One

Darth Vader’s entrance at the end, illuminated in a glowing red light from hell, is the best scene in the entire franchise. It is brutal and terrifying. Vader is an unstoppable force for evil. Rogue One is fast-paced and tense, and brilliantly written. The politics and agendas are smart. Yes, rebels must do bad things to defeat power. The Death Star has one flaw. Why didn’t the Empire nail a 2’ x 4’ across that exhaust port? Now we know why. Shut up haters.

1. Star Wars IV

Is the perfect epic science fiction action movie. Or is it fantasy? Both, really. Timeless and universally loved, Star Wars is the mythological hero’s journey. It is a story coded into our DNA. Best of all, it feels and looked lived in. No fancy glitter suits. The Millenium Falcon looks like a hunk of junk. The Cantina at Mos Eisley was like nothing we had ever seen. Aliens that are truly alien from all over the galaxy. Star Trek had brown makeup and green body paint. Star Wars has Hammerheads.

The script dumps lots of exposition on us. But we don’t notice because it is character driven. “You’ve never heard of the Millenium Falcon?” Han asks. Ben Kenobi shrugs and replies: “Should I have?”

Fun fact, after Uncle Owen buys the droids from the Jawas, the rest of the story takes place in one day. “But I was going to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters,” Luke says. “Stop your whining kid. In 24 hours you’ll have your own laser sword and blow up the Death Star.”

How do you rank the Star Wars movies?